Searching For The Victories

As my belly grows and things become a little harder around here, I have been drawn to my knees more and more. My times with the Lord have become my lifelines and I'm so grateful. My emotional state has actually become something that I feel is a blessing. It pushes me closer to who He is which I need to know so desperately right now.

With that said, I was feeling very frustrated and disappointed with myself (okay and maybe God too) in that I still feel kind of nutty some days. I still lose my temper with the kids, ocassionally yell, even spank when it's not necessarily needed. And oh the despair that comes when I fail. I feel that I'm back at the bottom with no good things going on.

But I think the Lord is showing me that searching for perfection is foolishness. I need to be searching for the victories and celebrating those. If I want to shout at a whiny toddler 5 times a day and only actually do it 2 times then that is a victory! If I choose time out (even once!) for a defiant, smart mouthed 3 year old when I feel that I would spank too hard then I have won a small battle! There are victories here in this mess of my emotions if only I will look for them.

I am making progress. I really am. I do see maturity (when I allow myself to see the good) and growth in me and I think that My Father is celebrating this and inviting me to join Him.

Isn't it awesome that we serve a God who is excited about who we are becoming and isn't so caught up on what we are not.

Who Are You?

vs 12-13 "I, even I, am he who comforts you.

Who are you that you fear mortal men,

the sons of men, who are but grass,

that you forget the Lord your Maker,

who stretched out the heavens

and laid the foundations of the earth,

that you live in constant terror every day

because of the wrath of the oppressor,

who is bent on destruction?

For where is the wrath of the oppressor?

vs. 15-16 For I am the Lord your God,

who churns up the sea that its waves roar -

the Lord Almighty is his name.

I have put words in your mouth

and covered you with the shadow of my hand - "

Who am I that I would fear having 3 babies under the age of 3? Who am I that I

would fear being unable to handle the stress of this life that God has chosen for me? Who am I to fear my oppressor? Where is my oppressor? Every thing that would come against me is less than my God is. I am covered by the shadow of his hand, the Lord God Almighty that churns up the sea so that the waves roar! Who am I to fear?

Micro-suede

DISCLAIMER: If you have micro-suede on your crib bedding please do not read this because I am going to mock you!


Okay, so I'm looking on e-bay for cute crib bedding for Micah and there are all these sets with micro-suede as the main material and they are proud of it! All of them are "Plush, luxurious micro-suede bedding for your little one." Are you kidding me? Let me make a short list of why micro-suede is terrible for crib bedding.

A#1) It's hot! Who wants to sleep under the hottest material known to man second only to leather?

B#2) It doesn't "breathe." Choking/suffocation hazard in my opinion.

C#3) Think about your child pulling off his diaper a few times with micro-suede nearby. Yeah. And sppit up, vomit, pee, etc. I'm sick to my stomach too.

I don't think I need to go any further. Y'all understand what I mean. I apologize if I offended someone but I told you not to read this.

Baby Micah

We went for an ultrasound today and we are having another boy! David is thrilled since he has been asking for a brother the whole time (except for last night and this morning but he will soon be back to his love for a brother I'm sure).

The ultrasound tech was terrible and wouldn't tell us anything which, of course, freaked me out. I cried really hard because it scared the crap out of me. I've never had a tech refuse to tell me anything at all. It was weird. I was so glad that Chuck was with me. She finally did tell us that if anything was wrong she would have called her supervisor and then my Dr. My midwife said, "no news is good news" and not to worry that that particular tech was obviously just a stickler for the rules. She will call me tonight or tomorrow and confirm that everything is okay. Sigh....such trauma. That tech had never been pregnant. She has no idea the crazy paranoid thoughts I have to battle every day obviously!

Anyway, we love the name Micah for a boy and are really looking forward to meeting him. Just thought y'all would want to know!

Update

I had a good response to my idea so I think I'll create a separate blog for that purpose. I'll put out the address once I get it done. I also think Hannah's idea of people taking different days of the week is a good one. I'll write more about it as I work it out.

I had a very encouraging e-mail from a more seasoned mother friend of mine. The point she made (which I think is crucial) is that I have to refuse discouragement and feelings of failure because who is the author of those? My Heavenly Father is gentle and kind in His correction and doesn't make me feel like crap.

He is my encourager and the lifter of my head and if that is not how I'm feeling then I can know where it is coming from. I guess I just needed a reminder. I'm feeling much stronger now just because I now feel like the enemy is the "enemy" and not myself. Thanks Jeannie.

We have a busy weekend coming up. Hope y'all have a good one.

An Idea

I have an idea for those who are interested. Here's what I was thinking:

Bible Studies and groups for mothers with young children are almost impossible. Unless you go to MOPS or have enough money to hire a babysitter, it's really tough to get together with other mothers and most have to/need to work outside of the home.

What if we have a virtual Bible Study/Support Group with each other? At least, those of us who blog? It would be unique from message boards at like BabyCenter.com or other places because most of us know the people who we blog with AND it would be encouraging us not only as mothers but as Christians trying to find our way.

There are not a lot of stay at home moms where I am and, quite frankly, if you do stay at home it's mostly a solitary business because hauling multiple children around is no easy feat.

So what I was thinking was that maybe we could take turns "hosting" the group each other. Maybe whoever is responsible for the month could do a daily post of whatever length which includes something the laugh about, something to think about, and something to encourage us.

Is anyone interested? If so, let me know and we can brainstorm. Geographically, we'll never be able to get together but this way we could actually interact and support each other each day.

What do you think?

A Little Better

Thank you so much for the comments. They really helped. Sometimes I just need someone to not look at me like I'm stupid and say, "Oh, I know what you mean!" It's good for us who are in throes of raising children and staying home with them to be able to say that we are there with the other ones. It's a support that no one else can really give.

David has really been having a tough time lately. Not sure why. He's been defiant and smart mouthed and I'm not certain where it's stemming from. It's hard not to feel like a failure.

My friend Dana came to visit me from Athens and that was good. It was nice to have adult conversation and we even got to see a movie! Thank you, Chuck, for letting us get away on Father's Day and for staying with the kids. It was a really nice treat. We saw Prince Caspian and it was so so good. It's a must see if you like that sort of movie.

Anyway, thanks for the support. I do appreciate it.

Very Bad Day

I'm having a very bad day. I'm not sure why exactly I just feel so sad and frustrated and a number of other things. Of course it freaks the kids out because they're not sure what's going on. David keeps saying, "I know how you feel." Does he really? Does he understand what it feels like to not have 15 minutes to myself? To have the main players in my life all need me and make constant demands of my time and energy? Does he understand how it feels to get to the end of the day and just want to sit down in a clean house except that isn't possible? Does he know how that all feels? I just don't think so. I appreciate his trying to though. It's very sweet.

I know that there is a strength for me in the Lord. And I will dip into that. Definitely. It may just take me some time crying it out first. Hopefully I won't do irreparable harm to my children's feelings before I get there!

I really don't know if I have a main issue except that I want to scream really loudly for a long time. And of course all of this makes me feel like a crappy mother and wife. Really crappy.

And do you know what set me off? David ate my new tube of lipgloss. Ate it, people. He was chewing on the roller ball that caps it off. I had one new nice thing and my 3 year old destroyed it. I know that lipgloss isn't a big thing but it's the only nice thing that I have right now.....more tears.

I'm going to quite posting now. I'll post again when my outlook improves.

Vacation Time!

We went to lake Blackshear for our vacation. We were there for 5 days and it was so wonderful! We just enjoyed each other and the kids for a few days and then some friends of ours came over and stayed for 2 nights. It was really perfect. Lots of sun and water and naps. Could I have asked for anything more?

During our vacation David let us know that his toenails were long to better help him climb trees and he asked if apples could get married. I know, I know....

Rae has a new noise like she is hocking a really gross thing in her throat. It's weird.

I really enjoyed being with Chuck. It seemed like our life pressures were off on a vacation of their own and it was just us. Really nice.

I have no pictures, of course. Just nice memories.

Giving Up The Hurt

I have a "flash in the pan" kind of temper. I get really bent out of shape about something and then I want to be over it and feel repentant over my anger....Most of the time.

You know when someone says or does something that hurts your feelings (okay, your husband) and you instantly know it was a mistake on their part? Sometimes Chuck says things that just don't come out right. He means something totally different but it really sounds horrible. When we were first married it caused a lot (and I mean a pile) of fights but as we have been married I have come to understand and try to give him some grace for his lack of finesse with words.

Well, tonight, I just didn't want to give up the hurt. You know what I mean? It really wasn't a big deal. I understood what he meant and not just what he said but for some inexplicable reason I just wanted to stay mad. What is that about? I sulked and stomped around the house, not talking with my mouth but talking with every other part of me (y'all know what I mean!) and then finally it hit me, "It's not worth the separation between us. Give up the hurt."

Why do I not want to give the hurt up, though? Why would I want to hold onto something that will only hurt me individually and our relationship with each other? That's stupid! Really stupid. I hate it when I do that. It's just not worth it.

Discipline, Discipline, Discipline

I have to say thank you to Kristen for posting on how some days are all about discipline. It's so good to hear someone else say it! There are days when I think, "Wow, I must be a pretty good mama. My kids are well behaved, they love each other, they are obedient...I'm doing something right." Then there are the other days when it just seems like no matter what I say or do everything is such a struggle.

But I think it is that way because it is a reflection of our own hearts and the Lord. I mean, there are times when I really do feel like I've got this relationship thing down. I'm obedient to His voice, I'm actively seeking his voice and what He is saying and doing and I'm pleased with my progress. Then there are other times when I just am not interested. I don't usually say no I just tend to ignore Him or pretend to not hear.

I'm really just like a wayward child. And my wayward children make me want to scream like Jan Brady, "Discipline, discipline, discipline! It's all about discipline!"